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Yesterday I had an audition for a TV series that will be directed by one of South Africa’s greatest directors. It will be a six month shoot. The role is perfect for me. I prepared as if for a boxing match. Right hook, upper cut, knock out. I knew my dialogue off by heart. I studied the brief and developed her character. I was ready! I was excited!
I arrived early, as always, and strolled around outside running over my lines when I saw the first well known actress doing the same. Then another arrived, and another and another (household names). At first I didn’t bother thinking about it too much. In the waiting area, some of the women were now chatting about past projects and they all clearly knew each other. I signed in and sat down and suddenly a life threatening fear crept up on me from out of nowhere. What was I doing here?? I cannot do this. These are all seasoned actresses. Trying not to throw up, I went back outside to catch my breath and regain my focus. I called my fiancé to share my pathetic thoughts with him. As always, he gave me my pep talk which included, “do you think THEY are not nervous?”, “where do you think they started?”, “you have just as much chance at any of them” and then my favourite, “They are probably sitting there thinking, ‘oh shit, who’s this new pretty face?’. All good things, all positive, but fear is a little bastard and we tend to turn those positive words into, “He’s my fiancé, he HAS to say that”. The little fear monsters in my head made me think ridiculous thoughts such as, “perhaps I do not really want this role”. How absurd!! I was THIS (insert two fingers showing small gap) close to getting into my car and leaving.
I did however pull myself toward myself after that pep talk and I started with my own affirmations. I realised that I had every right to be there, that I am equal to all of them. I did all the preparation, why? Because I want this role, so why turn around and leave with my tail between my legs? I knew that I would disappoint myself greatly if I backed out. So I stuck it through and when my number was up, I walked in with confidence and delivered! The casting director told me that I was the first actress that day (there were only 3 more left after me) who did not fluff a line (a.k.a screwing up your lines). He said it was great and I looked like I definitely knew what I was talking about.
So, now the waiting game, but that is not why I wanted to share this with you. I wanted to share the sense of accomplishment I had right after the audition and the fact that I am happy, whether I get it or not. FEAR is a LIAR. Face it head on and the results will amaze you. This is how we grow and gain confidence because ultimately you ARE good enough and you DESERVE success and happiness. No matter what the outcome, it is truly what we learn during the process.
Life is an audition, not in the sense that you might get told, “sorry you don’t have the job”, but rather facing those moments of paralysing fear that prevents us from moving forward. Don’t wait, don’t postpone, don’t fear. Go out and be bold. NOW. 🙂